Last night I honestly didn't sleep at all. Don't get me wrong, I was completely exhausted. But right before going to bed I had mentioned to Paul that I was having a very sharp pain in my right boob. I get these once in a while, and then it will go away after a few minutes. Every time I have mentioned it to the doctor's in the past... they have said "It's just growing pains" or "swollen ducts from being pregnant". And would brush it off like it was nothing to worry about. So thinking they were the smart ones, I did what they said.. don't worry. Of course I always do self breast exams.. but those have always been hard for me because I have naturally lumpy breasts. But this time I'm scared. While gently rubbing the spot that hurt in hopes the pain would go away, I found what no woman ever wants to find when touching their breasts. A lump. Of course, I immediately freak. And well - there went all hopes of sleeping. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom and did the whole self breast exam, praying the entire time that I wouldn't be able to find it again. Maybe it was just the way I was laying. But no - there it was. Same spot... and right where that sharp pain was. And the pain is still somewhat there - which is out of the ordinary for those "random sharp pains I'm not supposed to worry about".
Growing up - everyone has different things that they fear. My number one, all-time, absolutely scared to death, don't want to have to deal with fear was getting breast cancer. Paul will tell you - I'm a big advocate for breast cancer.. and have pink ribbons everywhere on my profiles. I even want my tag on my truck and one on my window. And this all stems from just being scared to ever get it. Now I'm scared I may have doomed myself. I'm 25. My life should be just beginning. I'm not supposed to find lumps in my breasts. This just isn't supposed to happen to me. It's like I turned down this long dark road, came to a fork in that road, and there's no hope for turning back. I have been praying like crazy all night and this morning that this is nothing. Maybe just one of those "natural" lumps in my already naturally lumpy breasts. I'll even take "nothing to worry about" from the doctors again as long as that's what it is. But please Lord.. don't let it be my worst fear. I haven't even told Paul yet. I didn't know how to tell him. Goodness, I didn't know how to tell myself. So now my next step is to get back into the doctor. And I know they will send me for a mammogram. And I have no insurance right now. Paul just changed jobs and we are waiting for his insurance to kick in so that I can go back to the doctor for my annual. And to top it all off - I'm broke. Flat freaking broke. So I may have to wait for his insurance to kick in before I can even attempt to make an appointment for this. And that worries me even more. How come I can't catch a break? Ever? Just this once. Goodness.
And to top it all off... I started my period yesterday. So I have been EXTREMELY moody. And when you don't get any sleep, have a house full of screaming kids, hubby starts a new job & won't shut up, and your on your period... it's like being in hell. Can't anyone around here shut the hell up and be quiet for 5 minutes?!? Are you kidding me?? Not in this house they can't. *sigh*
On a better note - I think I may have FINALLY found a job working at home. I filled out all the paperwork, took the training, and then took the completion test to see how I would do in the position.. now I'm playing the waiting game. I am supposed to hear back from them by tomorrow. It's not much money... but its money. And I could use the money. Between bills, truck payment, child support for my stepson who spends 1/2 his time here (Grr), all of these ELEMENTARY school expenses and now Paul's gas money.. we are broke. And this job seems pretty easy - so I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it all works out - I'll post more details up here so ya'll can check it out too! A little extra money never hurt anyone, right?
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I am so sorry to hear. I can relate 100%. I've had 3 breast lump scares. One of them while I was nursing my daughter, and two while not. 2 out of the 3 times, they did a quick breast exam and then a superficial ultrasound. The most recent incident (like yours) was around my period, and came with a little bit of pain. They diagnosed it as a swollen lymph node/breast tissue, and it eventually went away after a few weeks. But I can understand your anxiety. It is a HUGE fear of mine as well.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed your husbands insurance kicks in soon. And I hope everything goes well with the new job.
Feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to.