*Sigh*

Today.. no title. I don't even know how to sum up what I feel right now.

Well, on second thought, yes I do. Shit. That's how I am feeling today.

About a year ago, Paul and I ran into some hard times and found ourselves getting a "Cash Advance" from a local payday place. They have been good to us, and it kept our electric from getting shut off at the time. The downfall however is that we are living paycheck to paycheck and haven't been able to pull ourselves away from them yet. We plan to use income tax this year to do just that. But unfortunately Paul's work schedule this week (he worked on Friday) threw us off. On Thursday we went and paid them back, and normally Friday would have been the day we went and borrowed the money again. But since he was working, we planned to go Saturday. As normal, we paid our bills with checks, and thought everything was okay. Saturday, we laid around the house. All day. Yes. We forgot to go borrow the money again. And yes. It was a holiday weekend. Closed on Sunday, closed on Monday, Paul worked a double.. not home till Wednesday. Checks? Bounced. Overdrawn. Can't catch a break. Blah.

And of course, because we are living paycheck to paycheck, we had no extra money in the bank. So I had to borrow money from my younger sister to cover the overdraft fees, so the checks would go through on Wednesday after we got all the money in bank. I felt like shit for even having to ask my sister. I'm 25 years old, a mother, a wife. I should have my shit together. But nooooo.. I don't. And what's worse? Today!

When my sister dropped the money off to me to borrow she asked me if her car sounded normal. I told her it sounded to me like she needed some oil but to bring it by today and Paul would check it out for her. I tell you no lie.. Paul pulled the oil dipstick out and the dipstick sleeve came right out with it. And no. It wouldn't just go back on. It was broken. He spent 4 1/2 hours trying to fix this thing for her, and in the process we found a huge slice in her front tire. So here I am, borrowing $100 from my sister, and the very next day everything goes to shit for her on her car. So yea, I feel like shit. No matter how hard we try, we just can't catch a break.

She's Baaaacccck!

Ahh, the daily rants of the infamous Callie shall return.

I have been MIA for the past couple of months. I know I had made myself goals, and planned to stick with them.. and I'll be the first to admit.. I failed. Horribly! But that's ok. It's a new month, and I'm determined to be a new me.

First on the list? This blog. This morning I created a whole new header, and even changed the name up. No longer will I be a 'beautiful DISASTER'. Instead, I will simply be "Scraps Of Me!". Personally I feel it fits be better. And the bright colors are more me too. I'm not a dark and timid person like my last layout made me appear. This time around, I plan on sticking with this blog. Promise.

Second - Daily To Do Lists. Yes, I'm doing them. I LOVE lists... but... well... I never follow them. I usually end up sticking something else on top of them, or forgetting them when I leave for the store. I spend a good amount of my time - when I'm not tending to the kids or hubby - at my computer. It is my escape zone. And with a hot pink post it slapped to my monitor.. you can't really miss it. There are 2 things on this list that will be there daily.. Blog & Exercise. Now only if I could find the umph to exercise.

Third - Exercise is a must. I keep telling myself I am going to do this. That I need to drink more water, eat better, etc. But in all honesty - I really need to stop slacking and step up to the plate. I always swore to myself that I would never let myself become the weight I am now. And I'm here. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror - I get disgusted. Pictures? I get soo mad that there are hardly any pictures taken of me with my kids and family because I'm usually the one taking all the photos.. but at the same time - I don't let anyone else take pictures of me because I'm so self-conscious about my appearance. I printed myself out a chart so I can track my measurements, weight, and water/fat percentages. Yesterday I did all the measuring work, and I will continue them once a week. I have made myself a plan to exercise Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday each week. Paul and I are also going to start walking/jogging together every morning.

Fourth - my scrapbooking and paper crafts. I miss working on them, but it is just such a pain to drag everything out to work on something, and then have to put everything back later. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment, so there really isn't much room for me to leave my scrapbook area out. We are trying to buy our first house here within the next 2 months or so, and then I will finally have my own scrapbook room!! woot! But until then, I have decided to spend most of my scrapbooking time doing digital scrapbooking. This is a new adventure for me, so I am gradually learning new things daily!

Well, I am off to get lost on Pogo!! Feels good to be back in blogger world!

It's raining, It's pouring, the old man is snoring...

The retention ponds are full, my yard is flooded... and here I sit waiting in line at parent pickup to get my kiddo from school as he makes the 1/2 mile hike from the back of the school to the front.

Not many people like rainy days. Me? I absolutely LOVE them! Except of course when I have plans to do something outside. And today, well it just isn't a day that I had those type of plans.. so it all works out GREAT! Haha! The bad part about though is that today I actually had the umph to clean and get all of my laundry done. I got the cleaning part done.. the laundry is another story. I got both car seats washed.. not dryed, and another load started in the washer... then the sky opened up.. and I had to run out there.. shut the dryer off, and close the doors to the laundry room. This is the sucky part about the apartments I live in. The laundry room is outside... blah!

This weekend wasn't all that bad. Saturday was absolutely horrible though. I had planned on taking the kiddos out to my aunts and letting them go swimming but around 11:00am I began getting a headache, and that headache turned into a migraine. I was miserable. Naseau, achy all over, hurt to open my eyes.. everything. It has been years since I have had a migraine as bad as that one. And I pray I don't have another one like that for many years! Sadly - this was also the day I noticed my wedding ring was broken. The engagement ring was completely broke in 1/2 on the band part. So of course, I was even more upset when I noticed that. This is however, a very good reason for us to finally break down and get that new wedding set we both want. Goin' to the Gold! Of course, since Paul worked all day Saturday.. we didn't get much "family" time in this weekend. Sunday Rick's father didn't show up YET again. So we all loaded up and headed to Gainesville. Went to Bestbuy to get my laptop fixed... grr. And then store hopped. I cannot believe that I went to 5 different stores, and not one of them have a good old fashioned phone for the wall. Ya know.. the one with the cord... blah! No one... not the 2 Wal-marts, Kmart, Target, or Best Buy that we went to. I couldn't believe it. I was in awe!

The work at home job I found is working out for me thus far! I really like it. It's easy... I can work as much or as little as I want to. But it's only worth it if you are going to make time to devote to it. It's definitely not a "get rich quick" scheme. If you want the money, it has to be worked for. I love it though. It can get boring.. but I have learned soo much in the 2 weeks I have been doing it. And honestly, I really haven't put much time into it, because I started it right in the midst of trying to organize my house and get my goals on track. But this week I plan on devoting a lot more time to it!! If you think you might be interested, shoot me an email at ixcalliexi@aol.com. I will tell you all about it, and if you're interested in signing up.. I can help you do that too!

Catching Up!

This past week has been entirely too hectic that I haven't even attempted to make time to blog. And that's crappy. I need to keep up with this. I made myself a promise.. and set myself a goal. Now it's time to hold up to those. I am the worst at starting something and never finishing it, and this is my chance to prove myself wrong. Ok.. time to catch you up on everything.

Easter Eve: Boil, Cool, Color. That was the rotation. The entire family gathered at Aunt Laura's house again this year to color eggs the night before Easter. We boiled at least 150 eggs, and colored them all. Sadly - only 104 survived till Easter morning because of cracks and deviled eggs... LoL. We all had such a good time! Until I left pissed off of course. Then my entire night was ruined. I just get tired of feeling like I have to live up to a person's standards. Some people have the world handed to them, others have to bust their ass to keep what little of a world they have on the right track. I ended up with the latter of the two. But I am not unhappy to say the least. I have busted my ass to get where I am today, to become the person I am today, and to have learned the things I know today. And because of that... I have a more accepting and understanding of life and reality than those who got the easy hand. And I am grateful. But when you have siblings who get the easy hand, and they are constantly making you feel like your not good enough, or that you need to live up to their standards.. at some point or another you are bound to break. And that's what happened. I broke. After holding it in for entirely too long... I finally snapped, and then of course.. leaving was what was best for everyone involved. Because had I not left.. I was liable to say some things to her that although they need to be said, are better left unsaid or at least one on one. Not with the entire family watching. So Paul, the kids and I packed up and headed on out. On a much happier note however, Caitlin and Jaymi had their prom tonight. With this being Caitlin's senior year, I know going to prom would be memories she would hold forever. Here's a picture of how beautiful they both looked!



Easter Day: The boys got out there and hunted for 104 eggs! Now last year, they couldn't find all of them. This year.. they found every last one. And with no help from the dogs - who were all eyeballin' them the entire time! The boys were soo excited to have Uncle Billy, Becca, Britnee, Richy (mom's boyfriend) and daddy all out there helping them! We did the whole breakfast with the entire family deal. This year we went simple - bagels, and breakfast cakes. It was just too much of a project last year with all the cooking. This years Easter was easy.. and good! =] Then the bad news arrived... 1/2 of the prom spent the entire night throwing up. And no.. they weren't drunk. Apparently 1/2 the prom went to Yomato's for dinner, and had a bad order of shrimp. That part of the group spent the entire night throwing up. Luckily Caitlin and Jaymi weren't in that group. Sadly... someone threw up on Jaymi's dress. =[ But they both survived, and were walking zombies on Easter! HaHa!

So I weighed myself the other night, for the first time since I started this blog. I have been watching what I am eating, but I haven't been working out or anything yet. And yes, I know I need to. It's just a matter of getting the umph to get off my ass and do it. And that.. well I don't have that. Haha. Anyhow, I lost 5lbs! I didn't take my measurements yet.. cuz I'm only doing that once a month. But I'm anxious to see how much I can lose by the end of April. Monday I will start my exercising at least 3 times a day. I am determined to get this weight off my body. My entire mind, body and soul is devoted to this!

Water - Water - Water

In case you hadn't already noticed.... The present situation of our economy sucks! Really, it does.

In May of 2007 - right before the economy decided to take a dump... Paul and I decided I was going to become a "stay-at-home" mother. Now.. don't get me wrong.. I absolutely love my children and all the time I get to spend with them. But on another note - I also love money. And even more, I love spending it. With Paul's full-time job and his volunteer pay for working at the Fire Department... we make it. Just barely.. but we do. And to help out - I also babysit a little girl for a friend of mine. But this past week I found out that her mother is thinking abou tputting her in daycare so she can get more experience with other children. Now don't get me wrong - I think her mother has a very good point for doing it. But on my end.. it sucks! I have been trying to find a job for the past year. Not because I was tired of babysitting or staying home with my own children.. but simply because I want to get out of the house and interact with people more. I miss that. For 4 years I worked in a call center of over 40 reps, and the constant fast pace.. well thats just the kinda thing you get used to. But because no one is hiring, and the fact that I haven't worked in over a year doesn't exactly make me stand out amongst the crowd. The other night, as I was almost in tears trying to find anything that I could do at home - even part-time, I managed to run across something that took my interest. Not the normal "pay this amount to start" or "so surveys and get bookoo spam in your inbox". This one was different. It doesn't ay much - BUT.. it's a pretty easy job - and nothing different then I already do. I took all the training courses, filled out the "paperwork" and then played the waiting game for 3 days while I anxiously awaited to hear if I was one of the ones they would pick. And guess what...

Today I got that email!! As of 12:24pm - I have a job! And I get to sit my ass right in my own house. Make my own hours. And do absolutely nothing with my hair/clothes if I don't feel like it! Haha! I don't want to go and give any details on it right now though. I want to make sure this all ends up being legit and worth it before I let you in on it. I don't want to be known as another "spammer trying to jip you". Filling your head with lies or false hopes. Once I can prove to you that it's worth it - if it is - then by all means, I will share the info! =]

On another note - I colored my hair today. I was a dark-mahogany - which is basically a brown with a red tint for those of you who don't know. As of today I decided that I wanted something closer to my natural hair color - not that it was really all that much different. And I wanted highlights again. So I went to Wally World (Wal-Mart) and grabbed the hair dye. When I got home - that was my first task. And now my hair is redder than it was before. Tell me how the heck that happened!?! It doesn't look bad though. I am hoping it doesn't get any redder with the washing out of the sun. We shall see I guess! Haha! When Paul gets home - I'm making him pull my hair through the highlight cap while I work. He does an amazing job believe it or not. He's helped me dye my hair a few different times and only had 1 or 2 mishaps. Luckily!

I did one of those mirror checks today. Turned around and walked right back away from it. I absolutely HATE the mirror anymore. Mainly because I am soo unhappy with my weight right now. I have never been as big as I am - and always swore I would never let myself get this way. I have been watching what I have been eating though and doing the whole workout thing. My downfall seems to be soda. For more people its chocolate or cookies. No matter how hard I try - I just cannot leave my soda alone. And I know I need to. Before I had Rick, all I drank was water. All day, every day. Now I'm lucky if I get 2 glasses in. It's crazy! So starting Monday - I have decided that I am going to start MAKING myself drink at minimum 8 glasses of water each day. I don't care if I have to force it down. Water is good for me!!

Lumps & Menstration + No Sleep = Total Bitch

Last night I honestly didn't sleep at all. Don't get me wrong, I was completely exhausted. But right before going to bed I had mentioned to Paul that I was having a very sharp pain in my right boob. I get these once in a while, and then it will go away after a few minutes. Every time I have mentioned it to the doctor's in the past... they have said "It's just growing pains" or "swollen ducts from being pregnant". And would brush it off like it was nothing to worry about. So thinking they were the smart ones, I did what they said.. don't worry. Of course I always do self breast exams.. but those have always been hard for me because I have naturally lumpy breasts. But this time I'm scared. While gently rubbing the spot that hurt in hopes the pain would go away, I found what no woman ever wants to find when touching their breasts. A lump. Of course, I immediately freak. And well - there went all hopes of sleeping. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom and did the whole self breast exam, praying the entire time that I wouldn't be able to find it again. Maybe it was just the way I was laying. But no - there it was. Same spot... and right where that sharp pain was. And the pain is still somewhat there - which is out of the ordinary for those "random sharp pains I'm not supposed to worry about".

Growing up - everyone has different things that they fear. My number one, all-time, absolutely scared to death, don't want to have to deal with fear was getting breast cancer. Paul will tell you - I'm a big advocate for breast cancer.. and have pink ribbons everywhere on my profiles. I even want my tag on my truck and one on my window. And this all stems from just being scared to ever get it. Now I'm scared I may have doomed myself. I'm 25. My life should be just beginning. I'm not supposed to find lumps in my breasts. This just isn't supposed to happen to me. It's like I turned down this long dark road, came to a fork in that road, and there's no hope for turning back. I have been praying like crazy all night and this morning that this is nothing. Maybe just one of those "natural" lumps in my already naturally lumpy breasts. I'll even take "nothing to worry about" from the doctors again as long as that's what it is. But please Lord.. don't let it be my worst fear. I haven't even told Paul yet. I didn't know how to tell him. Goodness, I didn't know how to tell myself. So now my next step is to get back into the doctor. And I know they will send me for a mammogram. And I have no insurance right now. Paul just changed jobs and we are waiting for his insurance to kick in so that I can go back to the doctor for my annual. And to top it all off - I'm broke. Flat freaking broke. So I may have to wait for his insurance to kick in before I can even attempt to make an appointment for this. And that worries me even more. How come I can't catch a break? Ever? Just this once. Goodness.

And to top it all off... I started my period yesterday. So I have been EXTREMELY moody. And when you don't get any sleep, have a house full of screaming kids, hubby starts a new job & won't shut up, and your on your period... it's like being in hell. Can't anyone around here shut the hell up and be quiet for 5 minutes?!? Are you kidding me?? Not in this house they can't. *sigh*

On a better note - I think I may have FINALLY found a job working at home. I filled out all the paperwork, took the training, and then took the completion test to see how I would do in the position.. now I'm playing the waiting game. I am supposed to hear back from them by tomorrow. It's not much money... but its money. And I could use the money. Between bills, truck payment, child support for my stepson who spends 1/2 his time here (Grr), all of these ELEMENTARY school expenses and now Paul's gas money.. we are broke. And this job seems pretty easy - so I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it all works out - I'll post more details up here so ya'll can check it out too! A little extra money never hurt anyone, right?

Don't copy Mommy!

Today has been a pretty productive day so far. Chilly day's seem to be when I get the most done. Not sure if it's because I like the cooler weather or if its just because I have to go to the bathroom every 2 minutes that my body tells me to get off my ass and get some things done. Most of the time I feel like I am the only person on Earth that goes to the bathroom as much as I do. And you would think.. going to the bathroom this much I would be thinner. Yea right! Paul gets so frustrated sometimes because we never make it through a store without me having to use the restroom. Now he just says as we walk through the store doors "Hurry your ass up and go!". I don't even have to say "I'm gonna run to the bathroom" anymore. Haha!

Today I managed to get my bedroom organized, the boys bedroom cleaned, the bathroom scrubbed, and the kitchen cleaned up. Then I sat on the courch for about 45 minutes and just stared at my living room. I don't know what to do with it. I love the way the furniture is arranged, but no matter how much I clean, put away, dust and organize.. it always looks so cramped. And I know its because I have all my scrapbook stuff out there, scrap-table included. But I really don't have anywhere else to put it. I mean.. we live in a 2 bedroom/1 bath apartment, with just over 1000 sq. ft. That doesn't give you much play room for hobbies when you have 3 small boys running around. Since my bedroom has a small walk-in closet, I am debating on whether or not to put my scrap stuff in there, table included, and just scrap in the closet. Easy way to hide it and keep it out of my face... but a clostrophobic person scrapping in a closet would definitely be an interesting sight! Haha!

After Austin came running out of the room with Rick's boots on - I glanced up at the clock and "Crap!" I should have left 15 minutes ago to go get Rick from school! Grab the kids, and out the door I went. I knew no matter what now, I would be stuck at the back of the line in parent pickup though.. so oh well. I made a stop at the drive-thru resturant and grabbed myself a drink. And within 5 minutes I had managed to spill the entire thing in my lap. Now I know you are supposed to drink the drink.. but I guess today I felt like wearing it. Now mind you... I still had NOT gotten Rick from school. And sitting there - now at the back of the line in parent pick up - was going to be at least a 25 minute process. Normally my truck is loaded with rags, paper towels, napkins... whatever it takes to clean up a spill. I am a mother to 3 boys - so that kind of stuff is ALWAYS within reach. But of course.. the one day MOM spills her 42oz soda in her lap.. there is nothing. Nothing at all. And its 45 degrees outside... and there I sat... with ice cold soda all over me. And what makes it worse is of course once I spilled the soda I was pissed cuz I REALLY wanted that soda! And "Shit!" slipped out! Next thing I know, I hear "Shit!" coming from the back seat! I stopped. Dead in my tracks. Thinking to myself "Oh no! Did Austin just say what I think he said?" "Nooo, Nooo.. don't copy mommy, honey... that's bad!" His response? "Shit!" And of course, no matter how bad I knew it was that I had just taught my son a bad word.. I couldn't help but laugh. Ah, the simple joys of motherhood.